Women aren't crazy for wanting to be left alone

Graphic by Lina Pettaris

Editor’s Note: This article contains reference to violence.

Women aren’t allowed to be on their own without scrutiny, both physically and socially. This isn’t to say that women can’t be physically alone in social situations, but society is more dangerous for women who are on their own.

But aside from obvious safety risks, women are genuinely ridiculed for choices to live independently in ways men are not, and this perception that women are unstable if they’re alone is leading to negative mental and physical health consequences in our society.

Growing up, the negative concepts of single adult women were thrown around in the classroom. The term “old maid” originated from social judgments of single women in their mid 20s. “Crazy Cat Lady” is another archetype for single women, even though the concept itself has been debunked. You don’t hear the term “crazy cat man.” Lonely women are mocked. Lonely men are sympathized with.

Calling a woman a crazy cat lady tends to be an insult, but why? What is really wrong with having cats for companionship instead of a spouse? It shouldn’t be an insult at all. Maybe she’s a widow and coping with a loss. Maybe she’s single by choice and not lonely at all — it honestly doesn’t sound like a half-bad lifestyle.

Even the gender-neutral term “widow” is commonly attributed to single women because the “ultimate” life goal is to be married with children.

Loner men are mysterious, smart or rebellious. Women are seen as weird, crazy and scary. One clear example is the differences in how characters are painted in media.

Just about every Hallmark movie involves a career-driven woman abandoning her city life to pursue a dead-end relationship with a painfully mediocre guy in flannel because that must be better than being alone. However, in fact, women tend to be happier single than men.

Another example is the 1985 movie “The Breakfast Club,” which shows high school character archetypes. Out of the group of five, only two are seen to be popular and social. Of the “loners,” one man is painted to be rebellious and alluring, while another is depicted to be smart and reserved. The woman, Allison, who doesn’t fit with the group, is called a basket case and a recluse.

Now, this isn’t to say women can’t be mentally unstable. Allison very well may have been, despite not showing any evidence of violent tendencies. However, when compared to the 1988 movie “Heathers,” the disparity in media depictions becomes clear.

The male lead, J.D., is both mentally unstable and alluring, attracting attention from popular characters due to his mysterious nature. Allison, on the other hand, needs a significant makeover to be socially accepted. And unlike the “basket case” Allison, J.D. actually kills other students and bombs the school.

When these stereotypes bleed into societal perspectives, there are tangible societal consequences.

In physical healthcare, women who come to appointments alone regarding their health concerns have their needs minimized. Those with partners attending to emphasize their needs are given higher qualities of care for the same health concerns.

Women seeking hysterectomies or other important health procedures are often encouraged to consult a male partner before making a decision on their own — even if the same doctor initially recommended the procedure.

In mental health diagnoses, we observe a similar issue in gender disparities. Women with the same symptomatology are diagnosed more frequently with personality and trauma disorders than men.

Autism Spectrum Disorder is marked by social and communication difficulties, so it’s interesting to also compare the rates of diagnosis between genders. Those raised as women are diagnosed with autism significantly less than men, despite there being no recognized biological reasons why this disparity exists.

One suspected reason would be gender socialization and judgment. It’s commonly understood that women often go to social events and bathrooms in groups together, but even at a young age, women are expected to be in groups and rarely observed on their own. This increased push for socialization can lead to increased “friendly” behaviors in women. Despite this diagnosis being most useful at an early age, women are trained to hide symptoms better and avoid social judgment.

There is nothing wrong with choosing to be alone, and we need to prioritize making our society a safe place for women to do things on their own. But it’s also important that as we make positive changes, we don’t allow these stereotypes to persist and prevent women from making the most of their independence.